my iud made me suicidal

if ur reading this dont get an iud (unless u want to i guess)

In 2021, I made the decision to get an iud. I was 17 and dating a bum who I was convinced was the love of my life. He didn’t want to use condoms so I decided it was best to get on birth control, not to just avoid pregnancy, but to make him happy.

I went into planned parenthood on a saturday, I talked to a nurse to discuss my options. I was drawn to the idea of an iud. For those who don’t know an iud can last up to 10 years, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take birth control pills at the same time every day and the shot seemed too high maintenance.

I asked the nurse what she thought about the iud and she reassured me that it’s a good option and that it would feel like a “pinch”.

So I mentally prepared myself for a “pinch”.

I walked into the room and undressed, put on the gown, and laid down with my feet on the foot pedals. The doctor told me that there would be 3 big cramps, each worse than the last. I said “Okay I’m ready.”

Did I mention that this was my first time at the gyno?

It didn’t hurt at first, it just felt funny. By the 2nd cramp I was starting to feel it, I was staring at the ceiling with tears starting to form in my eyes. The doctor asked me if I was okay and I said “Yes I’m ready” Then the third one hit, I felt like I was about to die.

“It hurts it hurts it hurts”

I was only 17 and I was in that phase in my life where I thought my mom was my worst enemy. But there was nothing more I wanted in that moment than to have my mom with me.

The doctor finally finished, though it felt like an eternity, but I was still in so much pain. I gained enough strength to sit up, and when I did I began to vomit.

I wouldn’t stop vomiting, at some point I was just throwing up what looked like water.

The doctor asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom and I said yes, and that’s when I realized I didn’t have the strength to walk on my own.

The next thing I know I was on my way to the bathroom in a wheelchair. The doctor came into the bathroom with me and helped me sit on the toilet and then quickly left the bathroom to get tylenol. I was in the most pain I had ever experienced and I didn’t know what to do, I was crying on the toilet like a lunatic, I took off my hoodie and threw it on the floor. I felt hot, I was sweating and clutching onto my stomach. The doctor knocked on the door to give me the meds and I think she wanted me to get up to go get them but I told her to just come in. She came looking unsure of what to do with me. I took 4 extra strength tylenols and stayed in the bathroom for a while until she wheeled me back to the room.

On the way back, one of her co-workers said “iud?”

She nodded.

For months later, I was the most suicidal I had ever been in my life. So much so that I had even opened up to my mom about it, and during that point in my life I wouldn’t even tell her what I had for dinner.

I’m not entirely sure if there was a correlation, but I don’t think it was a coincidence. I read an article from time magazine which stated,

“Among women who used hormonal contraceptives currently or recently, the risk of attempting suicide was nearly double that of women who had never used contraceptives. The risk was triple for suicide. The patch was linked to the highest risk of suicide attempts, followed by IUD, the vaginal ring and then pills.” (Time, 2017)

I had struggled with depression prior to my iud insertion, but this was different. Month after month, I felt worse. It felt like a second layer of nothingness on top of me, pressing until I just couldn’t feel anything. I convinced myself that I was a burden, so much so that I didn't reach out to anyone for help and I ghosted my therapist for weeks. (Medicaid was probably pissed.)

One night I became so unwell that I decided to call the suicide hotline, the person on the other end told me that I should get a journal.

A journal.

I swear I became more suicidal after that phone call.

The worst part was that I couldn’t explain why I felt this way. My depression had always been triggered by stress, but in this case, there was no stress. The only thing that was different was this piece of plastic inside of me. But I still couldn’t connect the dots at the time.

Eventually, I went back to therapy, I became more honest with my parents, and I began dating a guy who was great with me. But I didn’t start connecting the dots until years later.

Is it really a coincidence that I became ragingly suicidal after getting on hormonal birth control?

Not to be niche, but you know how Sylvia Plath wasn’t suicidal before electro shock therapy?

I think my iud was my version of electroshock therapy. A medical procedure that was meant to help me (with no anesthesia, may I add) and it ended up changing me in ways that I can’t necessarily prove.

I don’t think I’ll ever know if my iud is what triggered me so bad. But nobody warned me, and that silence almost cost me my life